A mixture of excitement and self-doubt

I realized as I wrote my tasks out for the week, that I’m a little burnt out. Sleep is still not coming easy, and it’s probably because I’m obsessed with work. I know that downtime is necessary, but it really doesn’t come naturally to me. I backed off writing Elliot this morning because my mind wanted to work on the podcast and fighting my mind about what it wants to focus on only works against my goals in the long run. But, for some reason, it’s hard not to work on something I plan to. I know writing doesn’t work like that all the time; sometimes I can summon certain thoughts on demand, and others I can’t—regardless staying organized is a must.
There would be no way that I could manage all my projects I have on my plate without calendars and lists, but in the same breath, I need to bend where it’s needed.
I keeping looking at my calendar and getting overwhelmed. Everything takes longer than I expect. Honestly, the next few weeks look impossibly full as various things come to a head: work, deadlines, goals, meetings, school ending, summer beginning, new routine, and attempting to be present at all the kid’s school events next week. Part of me wants to scream, but the other part realizes I can handle all of it. Honestly, I think it’s more the change in routine than anything else.

A big part of me is excited and ready for the change in routine. I think I could use it and I’m looking forward to spending time with the kids outdoors. I’m hoping all the extra adventuring brings more inspiration my way.

I’m also nervous. Waiting to hear back and working toward finishing projects of all sizes causes a mixture of excitement and self-doubt to swirl around in my stomach—the essence of life in a way.

It reminds of the anticipation of a particular Christmas present and the arrival of data, except it’s my future and my dreams. I guess that’s part of being an adult, and I know that I am one even though it’s hard for me to realize that sometimes. I spent so much of my late childhood waiting for me to be old enough to be in charge of my own well-being, and now I am an adult I often feel like a child.

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