The Woman Me VS. The Mom Me

Am I a fool?

This is something I ask myself often. Because I gotta say, I often feel foolish. Perhaps that’s what it takes to work toward a dream.

Sometimes I check in with myself.

Why am I doing this?

What are my goals?

Now I take an alligator-like escape route there, but I come to where I’d expect at the end of the spiraling path of thoughts. I am building something all my own to hang my hat on.

I tend to do things out of order, or at least in a different way that most. By age six I had an overwhelming sense of wanderlust, and by age nine I knew without a doubt I was a writer. I went to junior college at age sixteen and two kids by the time I was twenty-three. Now, I am career hungry and success thirsty pushing thirty.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to allow myself a day at least where I can work whatever my mind does naturally. I have things to take care of, sure, that’s also important. Writing needs to be crafted, but my ideas need a way to develop before they are directed into a certain form. You’ll often hear me saying, “You can’t edit what isn’t written.”

Balance is where I constantly need to watch. I’m not a balanced person. Maybe it’s because there was only chaos in the house I grew up in, or maybe it was the build-your-own-curriculum Montessori school I spent my elementary school years going. Guess what I did? I only focused my lessons on reading and writing, not very much on math or science. When I got to middle school, I was kicked in the teeth, but all other subjects. For the most part, I stick to that now with my job and hobbies. I do adore history and science, though. I rediscovered them through researching for different books and pieces.

Who knows, whatever the reason, achieving balance isn’t that easy for me. I often get reminded that I’m working way too much without truly recognizing what I’m missing while I do that.

Last night I mentioned to my kids in passing that I was going to come to Tae Kwon Do class the next day (usually just their dad takes them) and the kids were so excited. They both said they were surprised I wasn’t going to work.

Well, at that moment I felt like a giant asshole. The mother and wife part of my brain hates that I am someone who works too much. The just me part loves it. Working hard and earning my own living is something I need for me. Sometimes when I don’t succeed, or it takes longer that I expected the mom and wife version of myself kicks the just me in the face. The two don’t always get along.

It’s so hard to know the right thing. I am committed to doing both. I can’t be domestic all the time. Sometimes, I really envy those that do.

Balance with my work itself is even a struggle. I am not just interested in earning a living; I want to really succeed at everything I do. There are times when a whisper of doubt breaks through. They ask me, “Really? Is that realistic goal?”

I can’t play that game. I don’t have the room to doubt what I do. I’m willing to hack away at it because that’s what it all takes.

Free time to just write whatever is just as important as sticking to the schedules. Adventuring as a family is just as important as relaxing as one. The way I am, of course, I need to schedule the free time. Now that I have, and it’s making a difference.

My hope is that as long as I continue to be aware of it and adjust it when necessary, I’ll continue to make it work.

4 thoughts on “The Woman Me VS. The Mom Me

  1. It sounds to me like you have your writing time and family working to the best of your ability right now. You might look at this as being formative years, in the near future you will be able to really put much more time into your writing. You were born to write and that is something your spirit knows that you have to build on, sounds like your doing about the best you can with the cards that you are playing with right now. The time with your children is the most valuable time anyone can really ever have. The sad part is, you can do the best raising them and the world can still mess them up. If they make a wrong turn.
    Best wishes with your future and your writing. Bless you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

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