Am I a fool?
This is something I ask myself often. Because I gotta say, I often feel foolish. Perhaps that’s what it takes to work toward a dream.
Sometimes I check in with myself.
Why am I doing this?
What are my goals?
Now I take an alligator-like escape route there, but I come to where I’d expect at the end of the spiraling path of thoughts. I am building something all my own to hang my hat on.
I tend to do things out of order, or at least in a different way that most. By age six I had an overwhelming sense of wanderlust, and by age nine I knew without a doubt I was a writer. I went to junior college at age sixteen and two kids by the time I was twenty-three. Now, I am career hungry and success thirsty pushing thirty.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to allow myself a day at least where I can work whatever my mind does naturally. I have things to take care of, sure, that’s also important. Writing needs to be crafted, but my ideas need a way to develop before they are directed into a certain form. You’ll often hear me saying, “You can’t edit what isn’t written.”
Balance is where I constantly need to watch. I’m not a balanced person. Maybe it’s because there was only chaos in the house I grew up in, or maybe it was the build-your-own-curriculum Montessori school I spent my elementary school years going. Guess what I did? I only focused my lessons on reading and writing, not very much on math or science. When I got to middle school, I was kicked in the teeth, but all other subjects. For the most part, I stick to that now with my job and hobbies. I do adore history and science, though. I rediscovered them through researching for different books and pieces.
Who knows, whatever the reason, achieving balance isn’t that easy for me. I often get reminded that I’m working way too much without truly recognizing what I’m missing while I do that.
Last night I mentioned to my kids in passing that I was going to come to Tae Kwon Do class the next day (usually just their dad takes them) and the kids were so excited. They both said they were surprised I wasn’t going to work.
Well, at that moment I felt like a giant asshole. The mother and wife part of my brain hates that I am someone who works too much. The just me part loves it. Working hard and earning my own living is something I need for me. Sometimes when I don’t succeed, or it takes longer that I expected the mom and wife version of myself kicks the just me in the face. The two don’t always get along.
It’s so hard to know the right thing. I am committed to doing both. I can’t be domestic all the time. Sometimes, I really envy those that do.
Balance with my work itself is even a struggle. I am not just interested in earning a living; I want to really succeed at everything I do. There are times when a whisper of doubt breaks through. They ask me, “Really? Is that realistic goal?”
I can’t play that game. I don’t have the room to doubt what I do. I’m willing to hack away at it because that’s what it all takes.
Free time to just write whatever is just as important as sticking to the schedules. Adventuring as a family is just as important as relaxing as one. The way I am, of course, I need to schedule the free time. Now that I have, and it’s making a difference.
My hope is that as long as I continue to be aware of it and adjust it when necessary, I’ll continue to make it work.