Between being a mother of two, a wife and a full-time writer the feeling of inadequacy isn’t one I’m a stranger too. This week it is particularly loud.
I hit a stretch there for a couple of weeks where I was handling the balance, but as I cruise toward deadlines and growing the show, I find myself yet again off balance with my juggling stance.
Perhaps I could do better job listening to my lack of focus and go take care of some real life things, but I usually don’t. I’m obsessive and stubborn, and when it comes to my goals, those qualities both assist me and fight to destroy me.
This is the first year that I’m juggling with this size of a workload with family life for the first time. I’ve mentioned my tendency to work too much. Sometimes it is instead of coping with something, in reality, I’d rather not, the other times I’m just grinding away at this thing.
Two things dawned on me over lunch as my husband talked to me about how he’s handled work and life over the years. For one, he’s a nicer human being than me and second, I haven’t been asking myself the right questions.
I realize things aren’t in black and white; some days are going to be balanced better than others. My feeling of accomplishments and jerky regrets often move as a wave does.
It’s just been on my mind. I spent Memorial Day in my office killing word count, and then I was left with a yucky feeling. A whisper that I could of chose differently nagged at me. Today I’m all over the place, so perhaps it all equals out, but certain things don’t last forever.
I suppose I’ll make a note to take off on July 4th.