I like lists and schedules. I like to keep things consistent and on track. My childhood was chaotic and unsettled and as an adult I get to control that aspect of myself. At least I can try my very best. Unfortunately, emotions and desires don’t stay within schedules, and they are anything but consistent.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best at handling curveballs. I don’t like when things pop up in a day I already had planned. I spend most of my time writing and working toward the goals I stubbornly cling to because staying busy is how I maintain myself. I work very hard to sustain my small world in a way that I see fit. For the most part, I do it well. I keep it together and stay on track. It is crucial to me that I feel a sense of security.
But, occasionally something finds its way in and changes everything.
At the moment, I am struggling. I am grieving for my friend, and it is taking so much of me. More than I want it to. In all honesty, if I could safely pick up my sadness and put it somewhere else, somewhere away from me, I would. The safe and on scheduled world I like so much, is still existing around me. Somehow, I’m still managing it, but, I feel lost somewhere inside it all.
I know I will be okay, eventually. I also know that I will come out of this a little different. I knew that losing her was going to hurt, but I didn’t quite realize the impact. How could anyone? I never took account of how much I would miss knowing she was just a four-minute drive away. I want to send her a text, and I want her to send one back to me.